Attack!

Should you find yourself in a situation where you have watched 19 of the 20 episodes of Game of Thrones in 4 days, and on the 5th day you wake up to find your kitchen has been infiltrated by sugar ants - proceed as follows:

Cover the ants in Borax as you declare “ANTS!! GO HOME!! IT WOULD BE DISHONORABLE FOR ME TO RETURN THIS ATTACK WITH OUT A FAIR WARNING - YOU MAY OUT NUMBER ME, BUT YOU CAN NOT DEFEAT ME! DO WHATS RIGHT! GO TELL YOUR QUEEN SHE SENT YOU INTO CERTAIN DEATH AND HEAD MY WARNING - NEVER COME AGAIN!!”

Then, grab your cat and hold up in your bed room while you watch the final episode of Game of Thrones to really get you into battle mode. Now it’s time to attack. Grab a broom and sweep the ant/Borax mixture.

"I WARNED YOU TO LEAVE. ANYONE THAT IS STILL HERE WILL DIE! YOU WON’T LAST FOR ONE SECOND WHEN I DECLARE IT - BUT BEFORE I DO, YOU SHOULD KNOW! ANY OF YOUR BRETHEREN WHO WERE COWARDS AND ABANDONED YOU IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE HAVE JUST KILLED YOUR ENTIRE COLONY!! THEY ARE COVERED IN BORAX - A SLOW DEATH - THEY WILL RETURN TO THE HIVE WHERE YOUR HAND MAIDENS WILL CLEAN THEM, YOUR KITCHEN WINCHES WILL COLLECT THE FOOD THEY HAVE BROUGHT HOME - EVERYONE WILL INJEST THE BORAX - INCLUDING YOUR QUEEN!!" Then spray the swept pile with hot shot. 

Lastly, mop the floor with a good soapy mixture. “I KNOW A FEW OF YOU ARE HELD UP IN THE GALLOWS! HIDING, WAITING FOR MORNING TO RETURN HOME TO TELL ANYONE WHO IS STILL ALIVE THE HORRORS OF WHAT YOU SAW HERE TODAY! BUT YOU WILL NEVER FIND YOUR WAY HOME!! YOUR PATHS ARE LOST!”

Don’t be mad when it’s over. You won a true victory and you needed to clean your floors, anyways. 

2 years ago

"Can’t two guys smoke hookah, drink beer and watch the republican debates with out being accused of being a gay couple? I have a wedding ring on - and Mark didn’t! I can’t help it if I’m a very well dressed man!"

-My husband

2 years ago 4 notes

Damn it, The Office!

You’re setting your show in Tallahassee for the next few weeks and all of your characters keep making sweeping declorations about being in Florida and how great Florida is and other generic Florida items. But you’re not in Florida. You’re in Tallahassee. You’re 20 minutes from the Georgia border. There are hills and red dirt, and you are at least one hour from a beach, and it’s not a good one. 

As someone that lived in Tallahassee for 4 years, I can vouch for the lack of Florida-ness and now I just think you’ve gotten really lazy, The Office.

But hell yes to Catherine Tate. 

2 years ago

If I were smart, I would take a nap.

I woke up at 6:30 to go run a 5k on what has turned out to be the coldest day in DC this winter. I ran the race with the real fear of slipping on snow and the pretend fear of my lungs exploding from the cold and then I promptly started drinking at 9:36 am as one does after a race. Now it’s 1:15 pm, and some how the day has disapeared into mimosas and beer, its terribly cold outside and I am about to drunkenly walk, by myself, to banana republic in search of a valentine’s day present for my husband.

Banana republic is two blocks from my house. One block up, then one block to the right. Stop before you cross the next street.

Here’s the problem - 2 weeks ago, someone thought it would be a good idea to put an anthropologie closer to my house than that Banana Republic. By reading this you have absolved me of my guilt that I probably bought myself a dress instead of some boxers for Jeff. 

2 years ago 2 notes

Perfect

Kelly Oxford asked what the deal is with Rooney Mara’s look, re, why does she still look like the girl with dragon tatoo.

I was reading the comments when I came across this gem. 

In my opinion i think everyone is pretty nd prefrct in every way.

I’m not even trying to make fun of this person. I don’t know what I’m trying to do about this comment but I’m pretty sure I feel a little better about myself, re, I’m pretty nd prefct in every way. 

2 years ago 1 note
sade:

exactly how stoned are you, people magazine?

"A cold pancake that’s never known a syrup’s love" is the saddest thing that’s ever been said. 

sade:

exactly how stoned are you, people magazine?

"A cold pancake that’s never known a syrup’s love" is the saddest thing that’s ever been said. 

(via caragh)

2 years ago 937 notes
Today I was interviewed by the Huffington Post because of how awesome my cat is. True story. 

Today I was interviewed by the Huffington Post because of how awesome my cat is. True story. 

2 years ago  #harold #cat  15 notes